If you watch The Pitt on HBO, you know the latest season was built around Dr. Robby and his mental health. Without giving spoilers away, Dr. Abbott finally confronts Robby in the final episode about his behavior. Abbott tells Robby that everyone goes through dark periods and it's part of life. He talks about his own darkness from warzones, losing his wife, and losing his leg. And while all of those things are hard and heavy, Abbott follows it up by saying there is beauty, joy, hope, and humor in life too. All of these things together make life beautiful. At the end of their conversation, Abbott tells Robby he needs to get help. He needs someone to help him "dance through the darkness."
The line "someone to dance in the darkness with" has stuck with me since the episode ended. As someone who has done therapy, hearing one man tell another that it's not just okay but encouraged to talk with someone to navigate the hard stuff was powerful.
Life is hard. It's never not hard in some way. Men especially tend to intellectualize their pain. We read the stoics, we tell ourselves that things only bother us if we let them, we logic our way around actually feeling things. But that's easier said than done, especially in the moment. And while we're busy pretending we're fine, you never know what the person next to you is going through either. We may all smile through the pain because we don't want to burden others, but it's also refreshing when someone says "you know, I'm struggling" or "it hasn't been the best few days."
It is also refreshing to hear men tell each other to seek help. Men have long eschewed help because it's seen as weakness. Masculinity meant dealing with your problems on your own, internally, and quietly. But shows like Ted Lasso, Shrinking, and The Pitt are shifting that. They show that admitting things are hard isn't weakness, it's honesty.
I've been speaking about mental health at conferences long before it was cool for guys to openly talk about this stuff. And what always struck me was what happened after. A man would find me, sometimes visibly relieved just to have heard the conversation happen out loud, and tell me how much the talk meant to him. Or I'd get an email saying they wished they had someone to talk to but didn't know where to start. Those moments stuck with me. Because that's exactly the problem. Not that men don't want help, but that nobody ever told them it was okay to ask for it.
And while you may not be a therapist, you can be a friend to someone. You can ask, genuinely listen, and encourage others to be honest about how things are. We don't have to hide behind "oh, it's fine" or "everything is good" when things truly are not. You aren't a burden to others. And if someone says they aren't doing well, it's an invitation to be that friend that we all want and need.
It's mental health awareness month. Don't dance in the darkness by yourself. We are stronger, and better, when we work together.